Ah, the holidays—a magical time filled with twinkling lights, festive drinks, and more carbs than a pasta factory explosion. Between grandma’s pie, questionable office party eggnog, and enough stuffing to build a pillow fort, it’s no wonder your pants are suddenly gasping for air like they just finished a marathon.
But don’t worry, stud. Whether you’re trying to squeeze back into those skinny jeans or you just want your abs to stop playing hide-and-seek, I’ve got your back (and your belly). Here are 5 ways to lose that holiday fluff and get back to serving body-ody-ody.
1. “Cardio? More Like Cardio Boy-Oh!”
You know what burns calories? Running on a treadmill. You know what burns more calories? Running away from red flags at 3 a.m. But seriously, cardio doesn’t have to be boring—get creative.
Dancing at the club counts. Extra points if you request “Vogue” and actually attempt to vogue.
Speed-walking away from your ex when you accidentally see him at Trader Joe’s.
Horizontal cardio. You know what I mean. (Consult a doctor if your “workouts” exceed four hours.)
Why It Works: Cardio boosts your heart rate, burns calories, and if you’re doing it right, leaves you sweaty and breathless—which is the goal, whether you’re on a treadmill or not.
2. “Put the ‘Ass’ Back in Class (Strength Training)”
Nothing says “new year, new me” like trying to deadlift more than the twink next to you at the gym. Strength training builds muscle, burns fat, and—let’s be honest—makes your backside look like a Pixar animation.
Squats: Because a perky peach is always in season.
Deadlifts: You can’t carry emotional baggage if you’re already carrying a barbell.
Push-ups: Mainly for showing off in front of your gym crush.
Why It Works: More muscle = more calories burned at rest. Also, if you’re trying to audition for the next Magic Mike sequel, you’ll want to start now.
3. “Intermittent Fasting (or as I call it: Gay Skip Day)”
Intermittent fasting is basically the adult version of “Sorry, I can’t come to lunch, I’m too busy being mysterious.” You eat within a set time window and spend the rest of the day sipping iced coffee and looking judgmental.
The 16:8 Rule: Eat during an 8-hour window, fast for 16. (And yes, rosé counts as part of the 8-hour eating period.)
Skip dinner, but make it fashion. Nothing says dedication like dramatically sighing over your tea while whispering, “I’m fasting.”
Why It Works: It reduces calorie intake without banning entire food groups (you can still have pizza, Karen). Plus, it gives you more time to focus on things that really matter, like creating thirst traps.
4. “The ‘Make Every Meal a Thirst Trap’ Diet”
If you can’t eat it on Instagram, does it even count? Listen, meal prep doesn’t have to be sad Tupperware boxes full of plain chicken and broccoli. Make your meals as hot as you are.
Avocado toast, but served on artisanal bread you’ll never financially recover from.
Protein smoothies in mason jars. Bonus if you drink it shirtless in front of a window “accidentally” in view of your neighbor.
Grilled chicken salads so photogenic they deserve their own reality show.
Why It Works: You’re less likely to inhale a family-sized pizza if your lunch is carefully curated and captioned with, “Clean eating, who dis?”
5. “Accountability (or Just a Really Hot Personal Trainer)”
Here’s the deal: motivation is hard, especially when Netflix and Postmates exist. Enter: the ridiculously hot personal trainer who looks like they were sculpted by Zeus himself.
Hire one. Pay them whatever they ask.
Flirt shamelessly. It’s cardio, trust me.
Follow every instruction they give you like it’s gospel. If they say burpees, you burpee. If they say squats, you squat. If they say, “Stop texting me at midnight,”… okay, maybe back off a little.
Why It Works: Accountability helps you stick to your goals. And if your accountability partner happens to have abs you could do your taxes on, well, that’s just efficient motivation.
Final Thoughts: Lose the Holiday Weight, Keep the Holiday ass
Look, holiday weight happens. You’re human. The goal isn’t to punish yourself—it’s to feel confident, strong, and sexy while living your best life. Whether you’re lifting weights, skipping dinner, or “accidentally” flirting with your trainer, the secret is consistency… and maybe a little bit of light twerking during cardio.
Now go forth, hit the gym, and remember: every squat is one step closer to breaking hearts (and backs) in 2025. Happy sweating, stud! 🏋️♂️✨
